I'm Still Here
by Seblainer
Summary: Brian thinks about his life in the past, since Justin is no longer a part of his present of future. Warning: Contains SLASH.


Fandom: Queer as Folk  
Title: I'm Still Here  
Characters: Brian Kinney  
Pairing: Past Brian/Justin  
Rating/Warnings: R. Future Fic, Slash, Strong Language.  
Summary: Brian thinks about his life in the past, since Justin is no longer a part of his present of future.  
A/N: This story isn't beta'd. Thanks to anyone who reads and reviews!  
Disclaimer: I don't own QAF or anything you recognize and I make no money for writing this story. Also, lyrics are by Vertical Horizon.

*I'm Still Here*

I watched as he walked away, the final nail in my coffin. Everyone told him to be careful, that I would only hurt him and I have many times. Sure, he forgave me for a lot of bullshit. But there are just some things that can't be forgiven.

I watched as he walked away with his new boyfriend, which I'd known about long before Michael ever told me. I knew from the beginning that there was someone else. It took having Michael find out what was going on, for me to push Justin off one of my famous cliffs.

So I fucked the actor who played Rage, at the rage party. It was a sign. Just like when I said, "Go take a shower, you stink." That was my way of telling Justin, that I knew he was cheating and that things were over between the two of us.

Everyone always thought that Justin would be the one to get hurt the most. Some might say he _has _been hurt the most, but I doubt it. I hurt every time I look at Justin, knowing that he will never remember the best part of 'the greatest night of his life.'

He only remembers the bat coming at him, and me yelling out his name to warm him. I hurt when I remember that he's just a kid, and needs to go out and experience everything life has to offer. I hurt when I remember Justin saying he could read me.

Well, he's lost the ability to read me now, so he's left me for something better. He left me for picnics on the floor and pretty words. I remember him saying that he didn't want me to change, and that he never expected me to do so.

It hurt to hear him say that. I can change. I just didn't _want_ to. Part of me wants to ask him, why in the time right before the fiddler entered the picture he quit saying, 'I love you,' to me. I think that's when I fully realized that things were over.

After that a lot of other things happened, and Justin has gone to New York. We haven't seen each other in a long time, and I know why. I went to see Justin in New York a year ago, only to find that he has once again moved on.

I sit here in the loft, drunk as hell. The only thing that I can think is I'm still here. After everything that has happened, I know that I'd still take Justin back. It would take a while, but apparently I'm a glutton for punishment. I know why Justin left me this final time. It's because he was right, I won't give him what he wants.

I have no idea where Justin is now. I heard from Emmett that he moved, but I have no idea where. It's not like it matters anymore, anyway. We are nothing to each other anymore. It just hurts to think that I'm still here.

I find myself still waiting for him, even though I know that it's ridiculous. Justin and I are over. We don't talk to, or see each other anymore and Justin no longer has any contact with the family since Debbie died last year. I hate myself for pushing Justin to go to New York now.

But I did it for him. I sacrificed our love and my happiness for his. I know that I'm not the nicest or most giving guy in the world. But I did this to myself. I sent Justin off to paint and become the best homosexual that he could possibly be, and he has.

I just didn't think it would hurt so much, but it does. It feels like someone took my heart, ripped it from my chest and stomped on it, until it broke into a million pieces. We still have family dinners, to carry on the tradition in Debbie's honor.

Justin has come to one family dinner in the last two years. It was when we got to meet his new man. I was there, but I quickly left as soon as he and his new boyfriend showed up. The guy's gorgeous and smart as fuck. He's just what Sunshine needs and I hate myself for not being able to be what he needs, which is why I'm still here, living my life alone.

_The cities grow,  
The rivers flow,  
Where you are, I'll never know,  
But I'm still here._

_If you were right and I was wrong,  
Why are you the one who's gone?  
And I'm still here._

_The lights go out, the bridges burn,  
Once you're gone, you can't return,  
But I'm still here._

_Remember how you used to say, I'd be the one to run away?  
But I'm still here._

The end.


End file.
